Today, will most likely be limited to my pondering a topic that I can not seem to get my mind around. I am an analytical person. Generally I over analyze, but today, I am just seeking an answer. So these thoughts may wander out in blog land with no answer, or perhaps someone may stumble across me and shed some light on my confusion. I am hoping for the latter!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Right? For me, I want to be surrounded by beauty. From sights and sounds to touch and smells. All of my senses long for it. I want my walls painted lovely shades that are relaxing and pleasant to look upon. I am drawn to flowers, gingham, toile...however, if you were to come into my home, you would see that not all my walls are painted and there is no toile to be seen. I just sewed my first gingham valance recently. I do have a couple of pillows that are gingham. Just not as many as I would prefer, to capture the look I am aiming for.
I also love old posts, architectural pieces, that come from old homes that have been torn down or renovated. I only have one piece ... though it looks old it actually came from a florist in town that was going out of business. I have a number of items that look old, weathered, because I took the time to make them look like that. I am real happy with how they turned out.
Ok, so you are wondering (if I have not lost you already) what is my question? Why am I confused? Isn't it obvious what I am wanting (tangibly)?
That is what I am confused about ... I am frugal and able to attain ... these are not expensive material items ... why don't I have them? Why don't I feel like I deserve them? Why don't I feel like it is ok to have them and if others judge because I do like to be surrounded by beauty?
I love projects, I could knock a room out in a day. But there is something holding me back. I almost feel like if these items were "given" to me rather than me getting them for myself, it would be better. I actually have to work myself up to purchase something for myself. It is strange. The fabric that I am creating a quilt with was under $20.00 and yet, I had to have a reason to make this quilt, to buy the fabric and work on the project. I am almost paralyzed. I know women that can drop cash like it flows from the sky. I am not being negative towards them, it just seems to come so easily. It is like I was wired backwards.
However, I live an inward frustrated life, because the things I am seeking (keep in mind, this is a small facet of my life-I am not materialistic) I have not reached fully for. Couple that with a tight budget and it seems hopeless.
Like I said, I love beauty. I am comforted by soft spoken people, the beautiful trees on our property, our animals, watching my children, my perfume, a clean truck, fresh laundered clothing ... I have cut pictures out of magazines of people who are smiling, because it is something that I am drawn to.
My husband has cautioned me about "it not being enough" and the more I think about it, the more I am realizing, that I am missing something, it really is not enough. I want the liberty to fly! I want the freedom to reach out and embrace life with all I have. To just grab a hold of it and hang on tightly. My goodness, I will be 40 next year ... if I am lucky, I will have 40 more years left to live on this side of Glory. We only pass by once!
I wanted to share, for anyone who is still reading ... that Jesus is my King. He is my very best Friend and my Heavenly Husband/Father! So my relationship with the Lord is very near and dear to me ... so that is not where I am missing a link. :o)
My head tells me that I am free. My heart tells me that I am bound ...
Which is it?
Great post! As Christians we are free but our sin puts us in bondage...but b/c of the work of our Lord Jesus we are FREE and clear!
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I think you feel that spending your money on these things may be too frivolous? Too decadent? There is nothing wrong with making your home beautiful, for yourself and your family. Read Proverbs 31, this wife clothes her family in scarlet. SHe makes money. Pretty earthly things but she is praised. As long as you dont let decorating or aquiring things take first place in your life (and I can see you dont) God doesn't care if you want some toile and gingham:>) God made beauty because he loves us and wants us to enjoy it. I didnt mean to preach a sermon, and I may be way off. If so, ignore me. But I think if some toile makes yo happy, that is really a pretty small thing:>) Go for it!
ReplyDeleteIs it because looking at the whole picture is overwhelming to you? Have you thought of just "going for it" and making one room of your home how you envision it with the things you like? Do something on a small scale...
ReplyDeleteGod did create us all different, and you can find what you feel comfortable with in regards to how you spend your money, and decorate. You are using your "talents" with care-Good stewardship!
This will probably sound weird but my husband is exactly like you. He is a wonderful provider, he could have almost anything he would want and yet he holds back. Even things he really wants he talks himself out of. I think it is a genetic thing. You know how people say the Scottish people are frugal? (a nice word for being cheap) He thinks about every single thing he buys. Sometimes waiting weeks to go back and buy something that he really wants and is just the perfect thing. Over the years I have learned to just let him do his thing. But sometimes he says why didn't I just get that? What makes me hesitate? I don't know the answer to it all but you are definitely not alone. Mimi
ReplyDeleteI was thinking what Ruby Red Slippers' comment said. Do you think maybe you feel overwhelmed at all you want to accomplish and afraid that you will never have the look you want? Or that it will cost too much money and you will think you have wasted it? I do spend money on my home and always seem to have a project going on, but I am very cheap. Seriously, I really am. I do feel guilty now though because I am not working and shouldn't be going to my favorite stores as much as I do. Even if I don't spend much it does add up. I want you to have the look you want in your home and you know I will help you however I can. Please feel free to ask me for help. I don't mind! I'd love to! Bug me as much as you want to!!!
ReplyDeleteooh, deep topic. I am going to ponder this and then comment. Thanks for stopping by my blog- God bless!
ReplyDeleteIt seems a lot of us are all on the same page when it comes to this. I've been thinking about it a lot (although I wasn't brave enough to post about it).
ReplyDeleteI like Sandy Toes comment & I think I just need to put my heart & mind more on Him and the rest will follow.
Hi Tricia, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis is a deep subject and I'm the same way as far as spending money on things I would like. Now if it for the family it's a different story.
God gives us all a gift and if His gift to you is to see beautiful things and to create (as He did) you should. God loves to see us happy.
I love to get old thrown out items and see what I can use and create with them. I call some of them road finds.
Have a Blessed Day,
Bonnie
Hi Tricia, I've just come across your blog and enjoyed reading. As a woman twice your age, well not really but that sounded good didn't it?, I will say this...you are seeing the renewing of your home as something for you, with an emphasis on you. Biblically we are told that women make the home, and spin the wool and bake the bread. But it is not for themselves they do it - they do it for their loved ones. What we are not told is that they get pleasure from it too. That's ok. It's more than ok - God loves us so much that He wants to please us as much as we want to please Him. All those things you mentioned - He'd love for you to have them/do them because 1) it's a service to your family and 2) it will give you pleasure as well. If you are bound...who is doing the binding? blessings, marlene
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel on more than one level! That feeling of being frozen, not able to do what you want. It has nothing to do with materialism; it has more to do with reaching out and doing something that brings you joy! :)
ReplyDeleteYou should go for it! I don't think it makes you materialistic at all to want to be surrounded by beauty. (An example is that God could have made a black and white generic world for us to live in, but instead He put color, variety and beauty!) God also made us to appreciate beauty! :)
These are things I try to remember anyway, and they may not be helpful for you! :)
Go girl go! :)
Jenni said exactly what I was going to say. God likes "pretty." Look at His creation AND attention to detail! He could have made the world so much more utilitarian...like a "man" would have probably done. But we obviously, as women, encompass these attributes of God. Just pull your home together at your own pace until you are comfortable with it. No rush.
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