remembering

mom would have been 69 years old this month.  i really wish i could have known her.  she passed away when i was still quite young.  it is amazing how much your life changes when tragedy strikes.  mine was pretty much turned upside down.

at the same time, things happen when you are faced with the unthinkable.  you come to a cross road and make a choice, pretty much at that moment.  at least that is what i did, with out realizing it.

as i child, i felt sorry for myself.  maybe it was a misled mourning that i struggled recovering from, maybe immaturity too.  regardless, as i got a little bit older, i started seeing things differently.  my missing her never changed.  i actually went on a quest to know her more and more.  i asked a whole lot of questions.  how tall was she, was she nice, what did her voice sound like, did she have a favorite food?  in which i received some of the neatest answers.  i learned that my mom was not at all pretentious.  she was pretty, sweet and very likeable, and my absolute favorite ... "she was crazy about you."  gosh how those words healed those untouched places of my heart.  i also discovered that mom could open up kitchen cupboards, pull out a bunch of ingredients and work her magic.  she could really cook, and it may not have been fancy, but it was delicious.

there were some dark sides to her life that i learned as well.  her childhood mainly and though it was hard for me to learn {i felt very sorry for her} it helped me to understand her even more.  i would have liked to have been a friend to her.  someone she could confide in and someone with a compassion that she needed.  

she was so strong, for as long as she could be.  

i hate suicide.  i hate the finality, the unanswered questions, the wondering why i wasn't enough to keep her going.  all of which i will never know this side of heaven.  i try not to dwell in that place.  it's not healthy.  besides there are so many other wonderful things about her to ponder.  similarities we have, even though we had such a short time together.  she was a top notch crochet "er", painted beautifully, and could cook.  i love to bake, and cook, can't crochet to save my life and enjoyed art all through school.  maybe she would have crocheted an afghan for me, and i could have sewn a quilt for her.  it is pleasant imagining that.

to sum up my cross roads encounter ... i see life as a gift.  every day is to be cherished.  every day brings something precious to the plate.  even those tough times that come, are there to be shaped and molded into beauty.  not that tough times don't knock my socks off and send me spinning, but after i get my barrings, i can honestly say, it will all work out.  i have a zest and a hunger for life.  i want to taste everything, try everything (good that is).  i don't want a day to go by where i don't tell the Lord thank you.  i never want my family to doubt the deep love i have for them.  if i am not telling them, i want to be showing them.  i never want to loose the ability to find humor in everything around me, and i never want laughter to be stifled with in me.

mom has been gone for the last 38 years of my life.  she missed so much.  i missed so much.  i don't want to miss anything else.  i want to live to the fullest extent.  i want to count my blessings, be kind, and show those around me that i care.  that is where tragedy has taken me.  it certainly did not happen over night.  there were years i wondered if i would ever get my barrings.  i am so thankful that the work the Lord began in me is on it's way to completion and He has dear plans for my life.  such a deep and gracious love He has.  that is at the very top of my thankful list!